Day 37

 hi, its day 37 already. how time flies. but it feels so long. erm. but im glad that i made up to this point. 

Last 3 days, you send me a message. you said, your father asked if im already vaccinated? i answered the next day because id didnt notice your message because i archived yours and so i couldnt heard your message notification. 

it was quite a difficult decision to make. i took quite a long time to think either to reply or not. i dont know why, but i really hate the fact that you send me messages. i dont know why i feel that way instead of happy getting your message. erm, but at the end, i decided to reply because i think of your father. i dont want to involve anyone in our issue. so i replied i already vaccinated first dose. 

after an hour, you replied quite long. even when we were together, its quite hard to see you reply longer. thats made me even hate you. idk why. i really dont know why i feel hating you. you said, "oohh,,, okay. if like that, then never mind lah, i thought u tak vaccine lagi. because my father nak give ur name to his friend. his friend searching for people who not yet vaccinated. i will tell my father then." 

i dont know why. but i hate seeing you explain. you seemed like want to show off that your message should be replied like it is so important like you are allowed to message me because its important. 

i hate you because you always like that. you can do whatever you want, while me, i cant. you always set boundaries for me, rules and everything. always. and i hate that why you need to message me that. 

you said you dont want to care about me dah. tak mau ambik tahu dah right. so why? why you still care if im vaccinated or not. ya i know your father asked you about me. but still, you can just either said to him you dont want to contact me dah, tak mau ambik tahu about me dah like semualah. you dont want dah. so why, why you need to make that a reason to text me. i just hate you sangat right now. you also can ask your father to ask me sendiri. suruh jalah your father text me. macam tak biasa. 

i cant accept your alasan. maybe before this, i hate you reply short message. but now, i hate you text me. you reply longer message. i just hate you. 

okay smbung cerita, after a few hours of thinking either nak reply ka tak your mesej, i decided to reply lain. i said, "after this, if theres anything your father would like to know about me, straight ask me. no need to pass it to you. better, the best." 

i feel so lega and tenang lepas reply macam tu. yalah. first sebab geram of what you did. and maybe because all this while, i never said something like that to you. i never ask you to do this do that. so maybe this time, i feel like, this is what i want, and i able to voice out that to you. and this is my first step to never settle for less dah for anyone especially you. 

okay. Part 2. 

today, something came to my mind. i can remember, me jarang sangat nak berdendam or benci seseorang. i am a person who always give myself peluang and so everybody else. kalau me tak macam tu, tak mungkin lah i will accept you for the second time right.  

how bad a person are, i always forgive them. because for me, everyone deserve second chances and forgiveness. but not this time. its my first time, rasa sedih sangat. i never felt this way. like disappointed sangat. pedih sangat. i have given you second chances, you also pernah promise masa me bagi second chance dulu, you promise you will not leave me, and will take a very good care of us this time. you will never be like before. 

but, promise meant to be broken, trust? im no longer want to trust anyone in my life, same goes to promises. i will never want to listen to promises dah. its all because of you. love? apatah lagi lah. its like dilemma. its like trauma to be in love. its hurts a lot. my heart dead. and you are the one who made it dead. congrats. 

not this time anymore. i really really hate you. you dont deserve second chance, you dont deserve forgiveness from me. even the fact that you are not sorry at all. but its okay. im okay. i deserve to be happy. i maybe not fully okay yet, but just wait. i will be happier.