It was his engagement!

 Ter dapat tau yang dia bertunang smlm ka harini tah. But I'm happy for him. Mcm tak percaya orang yang I thought like susah nak settle down, akhirnyaa, dah bertunang. Congrats weh. Lps ni kawin, sama dah status kita semua geng 4A. Yeay! Hg sorang ja yang tak kawin lagi. Kami 3 org semua kawin dah. Update: me dah dpt baby. Watepp pulak otw. Aina dah kawen jgk. And now turn luqman pulak nak kawin. Awwwww. Semua dah settle Down. Cptnya masa berlalu. Rasa mcm baru ja kita study kt kmpp. Miss all of you!

School

 hi fahmi, ag buat apa tu. harini, aku tertengok drama cinta pasal budak sekolah. im really into it. because it reminds me of you bila zaman sekolah dulu. i really miss you, fahmi. how long more kita nak macam ni. hidup dalam ketidakpastian. hm... the feelings that only i know. it hurts. i never attached to someone up to this level fahmi. why susah sangat aku nak lupakan ag... 

walaupun banyak sangat benda yang buat aku tak okay, but why i still want to stay. im sad that sometimes i cried bila teringat ag. everytime tulis dekat sini pun still lagi sedih. hmm.. its so difficult to forget you fahmi... i really want to be like you, full of ego, ignorance, ambitious about own future. 

to be honest, you are one of my three dreams. hilang cuma ag, tapi aku rasa hilang semua. i know, orang kalau baca ni mesti akan cakap aku ni terhegeh2, atau tak ingat tuhan. tapi, i tell Allah the same thing. its not easy to lupakan ag and i just dont know why... sometimes i hate myself too why me susah sangat. padahal, ag sikit pun tak kisah pasal aku... 

1 month have passed, and it still the same feeling... it never changed. no matter how i twist my words. the heart will never change. its weird. 

Can I have This Dance?

 harini, me terbukak lagu HSM. i vividly remember you love the songs from high school lagi kan. yeah, we both love it. listened to it makes me remind of you. still remember you ask he to listen to Can i have this dance. i sing it while crying teringat kat awak... i feel so sad and miss you. dah lama kita tak sembang kan. :') So, can i have this dance? 

Day 37

 hi, its day 37 already. how time flies. but it feels so long. erm. but im glad that i made up to this point. 

Last 3 days, you send me a message. you said, your father asked if im already vaccinated? i answered the next day because id didnt notice your message because i archived yours and so i couldnt heard your message notification. 

it was quite a difficult decision to make. i took quite a long time to think either to reply or not. i dont know why, but i really hate the fact that you send me messages. i dont know why i feel that way instead of happy getting your message. erm, but at the end, i decided to reply because i think of your father. i dont want to involve anyone in our issue. so i replied i already vaccinated first dose. 

after an hour, you replied quite long. even when we were together, its quite hard to see you reply longer. thats made me even hate you. idk why. i really dont know why i feel hating you. you said, "oohh,,, okay. if like that, then never mind lah, i thought u tak vaccine lagi. because my father nak give ur name to his friend. his friend searching for people who not yet vaccinated. i will tell my father then." 

i dont know why. but i hate seeing you explain. you seemed like want to show off that your message should be replied like it is so important like you are allowed to message me because its important. 

i hate you because you always like that. you can do whatever you want, while me, i cant. you always set boundaries for me, rules and everything. always. and i hate that why you need to message me that. 

you said you dont want to care about me dah. tak mau ambik tahu dah right. so why? why you still care if im vaccinated or not. ya i know your father asked you about me. but still, you can just either said to him you dont want to contact me dah, tak mau ambik tahu about me dah like semualah. you dont want dah. so why, why you need to make that a reason to text me. i just hate you sangat right now. you also can ask your father to ask me sendiri. suruh jalah your father text me. macam tak biasa. 

i cant accept your alasan. maybe before this, i hate you reply short message. but now, i hate you text me. you reply longer message. i just hate you. 

okay smbung cerita, after a few hours of thinking either nak reply ka tak your mesej, i decided to reply lain. i said, "after this, if theres anything your father would like to know about me, straight ask me. no need to pass it to you. better, the best." 

i feel so lega and tenang lepas reply macam tu. yalah. first sebab geram of what you did. and maybe because all this while, i never said something like that to you. i never ask you to do this do that. so maybe this time, i feel like, this is what i want, and i able to voice out that to you. and this is my first step to never settle for less dah for anyone especially you. 

okay. Part 2. 

today, something came to my mind. i can remember, me jarang sangat nak berdendam or benci seseorang. i am a person who always give myself peluang and so everybody else. kalau me tak macam tu, tak mungkin lah i will accept you for the second time right.  

how bad a person are, i always forgive them. because for me, everyone deserve second chances and forgiveness. but not this time. its my first time, rasa sedih sangat. i never felt this way. like disappointed sangat. pedih sangat. i have given you second chances, you also pernah promise masa me bagi second chance dulu, you promise you will not leave me, and will take a very good care of us this time. you will never be like before. 

but, promise meant to be broken, trust? im no longer want to trust anyone in my life, same goes to promises. i will never want to listen to promises dah. its all because of you. love? apatah lagi lah. its like dilemma. its like trauma to be in love. its hurts a lot. my heart dead. and you are the one who made it dead. congrats. 

not this time anymore. i really really hate you. you dont deserve second chance, you dont deserve forgiveness from me. even the fact that you are not sorry at all. but its okay. im okay. i deserve to be happy. i maybe not fully okay yet, but just wait. i will be happier. 

 fahmi, harini aku tak okay. its nothing sangat la. cuma bergaduh sikit ja dengan kawan aku. erm...

but the highlight of today is.. about you... adik aku dengan kak aku pi tesco. and then, alya cakap dia nampak kereta myvi unggu macam ag. dia ingatkan tu ag. hmm... dia tak sabar nak balik cita kat aku dia ingatkan tu ag... 

sebelum ni aku happy sangat kalau ada orang sebut nama ag, tapi sekarang, sedih sikit. sedih sebab tu bukan ag... i really hope you were here, i really miss you fahmi... hm... sampai bila kita nak macam ni fahmi... 

Day 30

 hey, it has been a month. how are you? are you doing good? me? im just fine, i guess. dont worry about me. im okay. even though there was time im not okay, but its okay. we cannot force things the way we want. 

currently listening to Pulang- Insomniack. yeah, i miss you.. a bit.. maybe a lot... i dont know. even it has been a month, but i still cannot stop liking, thinking, and miss you. yeah, i still cry. like crying while typing this. i can lie to everyone that i moved on. that i dont think about you anymore, that im stronger already, but the fact is, i m not. 

ag plak macam mana? ag okay ka? aku harap ag baik2 ja ya dekat mana pun ag ada. 

kawan aku suruh aku lupakan ag, but i dont think i can fahmi. there a lot of thing that im confused. but i still want to wait for you. 

Day 18

 Sebenarnya dari semalam, aku text bambam. sebab aku rasa aku tak boleh sangat dah like i cannot go dah with all of these. erm, tapi dia tak reply. aku cuma nak dia bagi aku sedikit kata2 semangat ja. but he didnt reply sampai harini. honestly, aku sedih dan kecewa sebab dia macam endah tak endah ja and macam tak kisah and macam tak take responsibility of what yang dia dah buat. yala, aku jadi macam ni kan sebab dia lah, tapi he really dont care, proof? he did not reply me, thats enough proof. 

but entahla. aku tak tau kenapa dengan aku, like why am i too sedih. sampai bila setiap malam, before aku tidoq aku akan menangis... i also dont want to cry or sad. but at times, i cant help. 

and entah kenapa, aku still nak tunggu dia, i want to give us chances again. i will wait for him again even if, i hurt so much. but, losing him is worse. i cant stand that either. so, aku text dia cakap, aku akan tunggu dia, and aku minta maaf sebab aku sangka buruk dekat dia, yang dia tak nak reply text aku tu. yalah, maybe dia busy kot. but it has been 2 days dia tak reply. hmm,,, mungkin dia betul2 busy. so aku minta maaflah. 

aku cakap, aku minta maaf. aku cuma rindu dekat dia. aku akan cuba tunggu dia lagi. cuma, penantian ni betul2 susah, sebab aku tak tau bila dia akan mai balik... hm... aku doakan dia baik2 ja. aku akan setia tunggu kat sini ya fahmi... :') jaga diri okay. 

Day 17

 i dont know what to say but its super hard to being left by in this time. i dont think this is the perfect time to leave me. hm. i just really dont know what to say. im just so sad. and im tired of being sad which i cant help of not being it. i really need time. 

Day 14

 i just realized that, it has been only 14 days since we got into no category. it feels like months already. i hate being online in Instagram. but i have no choice on expressing myself. i don't want to express it to my friend, they already spend a lot of time listening to me. i don't want to trouble them dah. 

few days ago, i thought i already okay. but yesterday, i listened to a song, and that caused me to be not okay until today. it was really hard to be okay back. i am super tired of being sad, but i cant help. hm. its just an uncontrollably feelings. hm I'm so sad. i also feel like why i am so weak. i hate myself too. hm. sad is very tired. 

i delete my Instagram app. i actually don't want people to see me a weak person. but i just cant help it. hm i still need time. I'm tired too. I'm really exhausted. i cried on and off. 

hey, why its so hard to forget you. hm.